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Why do I always mess things up. Why can’t I just be the perfect girlfriend and friend and everything. I try but it doesn’t work. :/ I feel like the biggest bitch ever because I can’t do something for tyler. But if I do it I will be late for work. I can’t afford to be late for work. I need all the hours I can get, they already cut my hours once, I can’t afford for them to do it again. I wish tyler would get that and not make me feel so bad. It sucks. Here we are sitting in bed and he went to sleep mad at me. And I don’t want to wake him up but im sitting here freaking out. I don’t like it. Why can’t things work out for me this week. Everything is going wrong in my life right now and I can’t handle it. I don’t get it. Why can’t one thing go right. Just one. I really need him not to be mad at me. Not want. NEED. He is my life right now. He is my only saving grace. I feel myself wanting my old addictions. It’d be so easy to just grab that razor and not worry about anything but that. Or grab that bottle and just drink until I can’t remember anything. Like I used to. But that’s the old me. I didn’t like that girl, she was insecure scared and hated everything about herself. I don’t want to be that, but that sadly is what im slowly slipping in to. I feel myself spiraling down and I don’t know how to deal. :/
It’s been a while since I have made a post. I never take the time to write anything that’s going on anymore. So I guess I will start now. I quit Lamberts. Walked out on them completely. I couldn’t stand that hell hole anymore. I hate working every night. I hate working where no one gives a fuck about how well you do. I am really starting to regret this whole food business. For right now the only places I can work are fast food and restaurants which are even worse than fast food. I guess im just happy that mcdonalds is working with the schedule that I want. So for now I will live with fast food. It let’s me be home with my bf almost everynight. :) and because I quit lamberts I have a week off of work. Which is great. I need it to get this damn apartment clean. Its a mess. I also needed it to get my stress under control. It was turning me into someone I didn’t like. I was bitchy all the time, and just not myself. I still don’t know what to do about my job, but I guess I will figure it out eventually. It will be so much easier once my student loan money comes in. Ugh I just don’t know. :/
I wonder sometimes still. But i have the best guy who makes me feel like im the most beautiful woman to him. :) thats what really counts.
A friend is supposed to want to be there for you. They are supposed to want to make the effort to tell you hello if they are next door, or close to you. If you don’t want to make the effort, why call yourself a friend still. You may think I am bitchy and whiny because I expect a friend to be a friend. Now I do not expect a friend to hang out with me at all times, but why not send at least a text, or knock on the door, and be friendly… I would, and have done it. I have gone out of my way for many of my friends. Why can’t I expect them to do the same. I just don’t get it. I guess its too much to ask. I got to see my bestie this weekend at least. She knows how to balance her time and actually seems like she wants to be there. Then there are others who I have drifted apart from, or have been replaced by someone else. Which wouldn’t be so bad, if they didn’t act like they were still my bestfriends… I guess you live and learn, and you really learn who is your true friend and who will only act like it. Anyway, im tired, and full of thoughts tonight. Bleh.
I havent done any self harming in about a year… i have thought about it, when shit gets really stressful.. but i always remember before i take that knife or razor to my skin… that i have people to turn to instead. I dont need to turn to that anymore.. i have my bestie, my unbiological sister, and my boyfriend who all make my life worth living… :)
:) I am so happy to have someone who is perfect for me… I love Tyler…
Im so fed up with never seeing Tyler. It was bad enough that I work nights and he works days so we hardly ever see each other. Now his stupid work is doing things like not giving him a lunch break so I can’t see him before work and also making him work Saturday. Which is the only day we have off together. And im celebrating my birthday with my family Saturday, and I really wanted him there but now he has to work Saturday. If he keeps working saturdays I will never see him. This freaking sucks. I hate not seeing him. :/ we live together we are supposed to see eachother more than this. :/